It’s Been 82 Days Since I Was Diagnosed with Breast Cancer

An honest update on life.

One evening in late March, my life changed as I knew it. It was a pleasant night, as I sat with my 11 year old, discussing our travel plans. And then as I brushed my hair back, I felt a small, seemingly innocent lump. Little did I know.

I’ve taken up drawing with pastels as a coping strategy - of course I had to make the breast cancer symbol, didn’t I?

Was it coincidence that I felt it? Was it fate? I would like to think it was fate, because I believe in destiny. I truly believe it was a sign.

But over the span of a weekend, I went from being a healthy, happy person to someone who had breast cancer.

I am only 38 years old, and I have breast cancer. I have repeated these words again and again, in disbelief. I have repeated these words with tears streaming down my face. I have repeated these words again and again, wishing they were untrue.

Yet, they are the truest words I know. They are the only words I know.

I am grateful for the awareness I had, to take quick action, and a supportive family who held my hand through this very scary path. But…

There’s only one to way to describe what it’s like to receive a life changing diagnosis such as cancer: breathtaking.

You would think breathtaking in terms of a beautiful landscape, or falling in love with an attractive face, but I can attest to the fact that hearing news that you have a malignant tumor can also be a breathtaking experience.

Not in a good way, certainly, as the wind is knocked out of your lungs, you are pushed to the ground, and you get to watch your life crumble right in front of your eyes.

And you’re left with nothing but the broken pieces, that you cannot ever put together the same way as much as you want.

There will always be a before cancer you, and an after cancer you. Try as you might, nothing will ever be the same as before.

I don’t know how many of you remember me, in this fast paced life of internet. It’s so easy to be forgotten in this day and age. But if you remember me from one of my older newsletters, please know that I’ve missed you all so dearly. Oh how I’ve missed typing words, talking to you, making up stories. I’ve missed it all so, so much my dear friends. And I’m sorry I didn’t come back sooner.

I tried so hard to come back as soon as I could, but it was too painful to pursue a dream that I don’t know if I’ll ever get enough time to make come true. It’s still very painful, but I also know that it’s a now or never situation so to speak for me.

You see, 2025 was going to be the year I would finally focus on my dream of becoming a published writer, of building a wonderful community of readers like yourselves. But 2025 turned out to be the scariest year of my life, and I’m still trying to make sense of it.

I want to say, that I’m strong, and that I can do this. But that would be a lie. I don’t want to be strong, and I don’t want to do this.

But I will still do it, despite everything. Because I have two young children, and I owe it to them to try. I will try it, because there’s no other option. I will do it because, maybe just maybe on the other side there will be a better life for me.

I wrote the following letter (from the good witch, if any of you remember the letter from the wicked witch - think of this like a sequel to it) in the initial days of my cancer diagnosis, but I was unable to complete it, until now.

It was too painful, it still is. But I am slowly getting used to my new reality now, and some days it’s easier to hope for a normal life again. Some days it isn’t so.

However, maybe one day, I’ll be able to look back, and it won’t hurt so much.

---

So where does my newsletter come in such a situation? Honestly, I’m not sure, as I’m still undergoing treatment. But I will keep trying to show up as much as I can, and in the meanwhile I’ll be starting a new project to share on Notes soon, so be sure to check that out. And if you don’t have the Substack app yet, download it so you can see my daily notes and updates. ♥️

---

Dearest Radiant Soul,

On this beautiful sunny morning, I write to send you love and hope. I cannot promise you anything right now, but I want to give you all the blessings and strength you need at this time in your life. I want to cast your life in a glow of hope and optimism.

Perhaps it is too soon, and you need time to process everything happening around you, to you. I have been trying to get in touch with you, but I know you’ve been swept away in a hurricane of shock, grief, and fear. This thunderous storm, dark, smokey, and black, has changed the course of your life forever.

But this terrible, horrible time, shall pass too. Because one thing is certain in this life, time never stops. It goes on, regardless. Bad, good times, they all do pass eventually. Despite how slowly the clock is ticking by, it’s still ticking. It hasn’t stopped. It never will.

This new reality has set you on an unknown path that walks through a dark, dense forest with not much light. You don’t even know if there’s light at the end of the path. There’s thorny bushes cutting at your arms and legs. But there’s no choice to walk through it to get to the other side. And you will. I know you will.

You always have.

But I also know that this is the darkest, scariest path of your life you’ve been given by life. There’s a storm brewing inside you, with rain lashing and thunder so loud you can’t hear anything to do with sunny, breezy days. It’s too scary to hope, lest your heart breaks again. But how is it possible for a broken heart to break even further?

I know the tears keep coming, and there’s a rock lodged permanently in the center of your throat. You try to swallow it away, again and again, but to no avail. The rock remains. Unmoving. You drink water, again and again, but it remains, permanent. It never goes away.

The wicked witch is back, and her voice is louder and scarier than ever. She’s cackling loudly, her laughter a never-ending shriek, savoring your fears and grief. This is what she’s been waiting for all along.

She feeds on your despair, do you remember that? Every time she speaks those vile words of hers, know that they are nothing but lies. She knows just how weak you are right now, and just how powerful she’s become. In your mind, she’s the reigning queen. But don’t let her become victorious.

Instead, listen to me. Please listen to me.

You had a crown on your head, didn't you, my sweet darling? A crystal crown encrusted with pink and purple jewels that you never saw, until it fell to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. Shards that pierced your feet as the ground below you gave away.

You’ve had a great fall my sweet, radiant soul haven’t you? You’re sitting on the ground, unable to move, frozen in fear, watching everyone wearing those precious crowns. Some have golden crowns, some silver, and some made with glass. The irony is that they don’t even know what beautiful, gorgeous crowns they’re wearing. Nobody knows the crowns they wear, until they lose them. Those crowns though invisible, are priceless.

You miss yours.

You want yours back.

You want it back.

You want it back.

You want it back.

God please give it back to me, you whisper.

You try to piece the shards together, the broken glass piercing your fingers, but it can never go back to the way before.

For now, you have no crown. You won’t have one, for a long time.

How can you miss something so desperately, you didn’t even know you had in the first place?

But I’m here to tell you, that you will get it back one day. And you will wear it with pride, but you will also always cherish it. Because this time you know it exists, and just how precious it is. Perhaps the most precious thing in this life, anyway. It’s the only glory any human should strive for. Not money, not fame, not prosperity, not success. All of that fades to nothing once you watch this crown fall from your head and crack into pieces.

I know. I get it. The wicked witch in your mind keeps replaying those thirty minutes in that dark room. Your hands were shaking, praying for the best. But the whispering voices around, the clinking of something being stirred, told you otherwise.

You were still desperately clinging to hope, desperately clawing at your crown slipping off your head, even after you left that room, not knowing your life would be changed in a few minutes, your whole world would come crashing down.

I know that when you close your eyes, that moment plays like a continuous reel, not relenting, and you’re not even able to scroll away with the swipe of your thumb. There’s only one reel, that one. There’s no way to escape and drown yourself in dopamine.

But you will get through this too. My darling, I know how your heart feels right now, like a sunflower that hasn’t seen the sun in days, withered, bent, broken. The sun will shine in your life again.

I promise. You have a strong heart, you can do this. You will make it through to the other side. I am certain of that. You just need to believe in yourself.

You will get through this. As much as you believe otherwise, right now.

There’s no doubt about it.

Wishing you love and peace,

The Good Witch